But it’s not lying at all. It’s simply me holding in things that are no longer appropriate to say. Things that my heart no longer has the right to feel. I’ve taught myself how to become phlegmatic when the thought of you runs through my head. And although there are still nights that my throat gets tight and sore, and my eyes swelter with tears, and my heart feels like it’s no longer in my chest but instead in the pit of my stomach.. I’ve learned to live without you. And maybe one day those feelings will etiolate too. Maybe one day there will be a time that I can live my life longer than just one day without thinking of you. Or maybe that day will never come. Maybe I’ll never feel quite complete again, maybe I’ll always miss you. I carry so many memories with me, down in my pockets, like little souviners. Because with almost anything in life, at some point it will be gone. Whether it fades, or dies, or is taken from you. You’re left at the end with you, and only you. Several times in my life, I’ve connected with people so well, that I’ve sat there literally for hours on hours just talking to them. About everything, thoughts, expierences, dreams, hopes, goals. Everything. I’ve sipped on tea and just sat still, whatching the sun set. I’ve laid on the grass in all hours of the night just thinking, and talking. I’ve discussed everything and nothing at all. I’ve held lenghty conversations late into the early hours of the morning with people, just at the end to realize there’s a point where you have to say goodbye. One of the most analytic things I’ve ever head someoee say in life, is to expect the unexpected. As luck would have it, sometimes those conversations you share with someone, may stay as only that. And never get the chance to grow into something greater. You don’t run into people like you everyday. Throughout your life you’ll run into hundreds, thousands of people. And these people may walk in and out so swiftly that you didn’t even notice they were there. Or they may be there one second and gone shortly after, leaving a lingering scent behind. There are people you will share weeks upon weeks with, and never hear from again. And then there’s people like you. People that can go away, but will never be away. With you, I had the chance to get to know little bits and pieces of you. And every single day I woke up, all I wanted to know was more and more. I never had chance to understand and grow to know you as best as I wanted to. But it makes me admire and cherish those moments I did have, and have feelings of deep appreciation for the your existence. I would NEVER give up those moments in life, the little moments that you will remember forever, those moments I had with you. Losing you seemed for so long like the worst thing that had ever happened to me, until I realized that meeting you was one of the best. With the breif opportunity to connect wth a person with such brilliance of soul. I could have nothing at all in this whole entire world, but somehow the memories of you, and us, although they kill me, sometimes it’s all that really keeps me alive. Keeps me inspired. Keeps me moving forward. Not because I want you back, but simply because you’re now a part of me. A part of what has made me happy in life, a part of what has made me feel positive. You were a part of my life when I felt the most alive I have ever felt. It’s been three months, and I can still sit here and close my eyes as tight as they will go. Everything around me will slow down, and my head will flash nonstop with memory after memory, picture after picture, I hear your laugh, I see your smile. It doesn’t stop. I hear my laugh. I feel my smile come upon my face. It doesn’t stop. This goes on and on and on. Movies. They play in my mind. I see your text. I hear my ringtones. My heads still spinning. And then there’s a point that everything changes. I hear you screaming, and me crying. I hear you crying and me begging you to stop. I feel my hands shaking. I can physically feel my heart sink. I can feel my knees give out realizing I’m losing you. I smell the ink from all the letters I wrote, all those sorries upon sorries. I remember feeling briefly like maybe it wasn’t all falling apart, that my love for you was strong enough to hold us together. And then everything stops. I see black. I feel tears. Theres nothing around me. Not one smell, not one memory. Eveything is dark, and damp. And I’m alone again, all alone. I’ve realized that holding on to you will do nothing for me, and that getting caught in a pool of depression only leads to drowning. And I’m stronger that that. You made me stronger than that, you made me realize that I can handle anything. Life is not easy, but I overcame one of its toughest obstacles. Being able to let go of something you really love and want more than anything in this world and pushing your own wants and needs away to see that person happy is so damn hard to overcome. I’ll never get to spend that night with you on the beach in the middle of summer, you’ll never know how many nights I could feel the wind drifting over us while hearing the crashing of the waves break upon the shore, and the beating of your heart in between the breaks. I’ll never be able to look at the moon the same without thinking of you. And I’ll never have that chance to hold your hand while looking at it and telling you all the things I’ve held inside of me for so long waiting until that moment to whisper into your ear exactly what I’ve felt since the first time we’ve looked at it together. It’s weird, the things life throws at you. And the experiences it seems to take away from you, just as fast as they were handed to you. But again, nothing in this whole entire world is built to last forever. So with this, and with moving forward, I want you to know you are my greatest inspiration. As the years go on, my memories may become faint, and foggy, but I’ll never forget you, and as the longer the days drag on, the more I realize that . All of my potential and all the wonderful things I can conceive seem within reach when I think of how much of an inspiration and you were to me, and my life. Thank you for making me strong. Thank you for being my everything. Even if I have to live the rest of my life keeping it all hidden inside of me, thank you.

I really just wish that for once in my life I could feel good enough for something. Or someone.